Body Liberation and Sexuality
February 16, 2026 • By Katie Borofka, MPH, LCSW, CST
As a sex therapist and Body Trust Provider, I have a lot of clients who are working at the intersection of body liberation, eating disorder work, and sex. One of my favorite questions to pose to clients I work with is: “How is your relationship to food similar or different to your relationship to sex?” I often (not always) hear that people’s experience with food and sex run parallel to each other, with the root connection being how comfortable or not we are with naming desires, receiving nourishment, and being in active and agentful relationship with what we want. For example, it is sometimes true for some people that it can be difficult to both eat when they are hungry and say what they want in bed. The barriers to experiencing good sex are vast, especially when we have internalized messages about who is allowed to have (good) sex.
On the micro, personal scale, I am often thinking about the feelings and beliefs we hold about ourselves and others when it comes to desire. I am inspired by Lucy Fielding’s work on trans sexualities. She discusses in her book Trans Sex how many trans people have to confront the concepts of desirability (as in, “am I a desirable partner?”) and also that of desire-ability (as in, “am I someone who is able and allowed to desire?”). I think these concepts come into play when someone is confronting how their age, ability status, size, and other identity markers impact experiences with sex. Culturally we are taught that people in larger bodies must be sexually repulsive or asexual– neither desirable nor desire-able. When folks in larger bodies are able to deconstruct these stories, they are able to reclaim desire, voice, and agency and can access positive sexual experiences.
When we have experienced a lifetime of body size-based trauma, including being denied access to healthcare, jobs, social connection and dating opportunities; shaming from providers, family, and others; and the pervasive fear of experiencing everything thus named, we can find it excruciatingly difficult to be in our bodies. Sexual pleasure is available to us when we are in our bodies, so it becomes necessary to dance with the pain of trauma and grief in order to access pleasure.
Because partnered sex is relational, this leads me to consider the impact of the interpersonal sphere, community, friendships, and dating on an individual’s sexual experience. Fatphobia and weight stigma disrupts people’s ability and opportunities for fun and more easeful dating experiences and also disrupts longer term relationships if/when people’s bodies change. There is self-help literature in which higher weight is cited as a reason for the loss of attraction and sex in longer-term relationships – and a common solution offered is for the person who has gained weight to lose it. As we know, this suggestion is fraught and harmful. Instead, we might begin to look at addressing this issue in other ways that do not put the onus for change on the person already experiencing stigma.
Both the internalization of stigma and the expression of it impact people’s health behaviors, and this is just as true with sexual health as it is with other kinds of physical health experiences. Stigma, shame, and lack of respect can impact partner selection; quality of sexual encounters (related to consent, negotiation, orgasm, and more); willingness to access care related to STI testing, pregnancy prevention, sexual pain treatment, and other concerns; and experience of health care itself (how seriously do providers take my sexual health if I am not someone they deem desirable or desire-able?).
When I think about ways to encourage people on their path of sexual wellness and body liberation in the face of so much shit in our cultural landscape, here are some things I am often considering:
- How can I shift which bodies I see as desirable and desire-able? Media and porn* are important parts of our “diet” and we can target them to adapt and change our perception of attractiveness and attraction. I am not talking about gender identity and expression, as much as I am talking about size/weight/shape, ability, race, and other kinds of differences we encounter. We can’t forcibly change our sexual orientation (which is about the gender of the people we tend to be attracted to) but many other features deemed “attractive” originate in cultural stories about attractiveness. Taking in media and porn depictions of a wide range of bodies allows our brains to adapt to new possibilities, and over time, this can also impact how we see ourselves in the realm of desirability and attractiveness.
Even more specifically, how can I continue to unpack internalized weight stigma and fatphobia? How can I strengthen my belief that fat people are allowed just as much access to sexiness? How can I strengthen my belief that fat people deserve to have good sex?- What are some ways to increase the experience of embodiment–of being in my body? “Spectatoring” is a concept related to the experience that many of us have during sex, in which we “see” ourselves perform and remain in a state of self-evaluation and judgement. Instead of noticing sensation, emotions, and other internal feelings, we are preoccupied with questions like, What do I look like? How is this going? Am I taking too long? What do I taste and smell like? Do they like what I am doing? Are they having a good time? What do they think about my body? Working to attune to and stay mindful of physical sensations (like temperature, texture, and pressure – hallmarks of the sex therapy protocol called Sensate Focus) can allow us to reenter our bodies and their natural ability to feel pleasure. We can also work with movement – how does it feel to arch the back or curl the toes or tilt the pelvis, or have our arms above our heads? We can work with voice – moans, groans, verbal talking. It is incredibly common to struggle with embodiment when we have developed many necessary skills for staying out of our bodies. This recovery process is often long and circuitous and it is perfectly okay if you use old coping skills at times.
- If I am struggling with a partner’s weight and noticing negative impacts to my experience of physical attraction, how can I notice the ways that I am otherwise attracted to my partner? How am I mentally, intellectually, emotionally, socially, aesthetically, and spiritually attracted to them? How can I use embodiment strategies to notice touch and pleasure in the moment? How can I adjust my media and porn consumption to begin to notice how many bodies are beautiful and attractive?
Not everyone wants or likes sex – that is normal and an important part of this work too. My view, as it has been informed by Audre Lorde, adrienne maree brown, and others, is that our erotic energy is a mark of aliveness that we are all born with and sexual desire is just one manifestation of that energy (other examples might include passion for creative endeavors, activism, parenting, gardening, or cooking). Connecting to what helps us feel alive, joyful, empowered, and pleasure is an important part of taking up space in the world and feeling our agency to shape change. Being able to access hope, meaning, and feeling alive through sexual or other creative expression, even in the darkest moments of human experience, is a way to experience resistance, determination, and connection. All people deserve to have this experience and resource, regardless of weight, shape, or size.
*A Note on Porn: Porn that centers performers’ boundaries and consent can be ethical, and can be a healthy addition to a person’s sex life as long as sex education and media literacy have provided structure for understanding and integration of any porn viewed. Watching porn without any sex education or media literacy skills can leave us with unrealistic expectations around bodies, desire, consent, and more. For more information, you can explore: The Feminist Porn Book, edited by Tristan Taormino, et al; and, Coming Out Like a Porn Star, edited by Jiz Lee.
Gratitude to Mara Burmeister, LPC for her help on this article.
ALLY ACTION
- Follow a diverse range of folks on social media to widen your perspective of attractiveness and desirability.
- If you’re someone who watches porn, notice the kinds of bodies featured and experiment with watching other kinds of bodies. Do this for a few weeks before bailing on your experiment.
CURIOUS TO LEARN MORE?
- Dawn Serra
- Gina Senarighi
- Elle Chase, author of Curvy Girl Sex
- adrienne maree brown, author of Pleasure Activism
- Lucy Fielding, author of Trans Sex
- Euphemia Russell, author of Slow Pleasure
- Lorri Brotto, author of Better Sex Through Mindfulness